USA

            For this blog I will need to go back in time a bit, to before my previous post about Neil, to before the world was turned upside down and blown apart. But not to worry, we will arrive again in the present, to here where it is being stitched carefully together again.

Iceland seems like forever ago, or at least a few thousand lifetimes, but it gives me much comfort to know that only three measly weeks have passed all of which I spent in the wonderful company of this guy. Patrick collected me at the Seattle airport after a long flight from the land of tundra and ice, and we headed straight to McCall to see Mom and the pups. As you know, Charlie Brown stayed in Groningen with Gerben and from the looks of it, he’s doing just fine ;) 

            On our way, Patrick and I stopped to have coffee with Lalith, a friend from Germany before speeding off in the dizzying heat wave to our tiny mountain destination. It could have possibly been my most favorite car trip ever due to the endless chatting, singing along to the radio and general circulation of happiness to be back behind the wheel of a car and in my home country for a bit! You never realize how much you miss cultural familiarities until they are gone! Haha

We spent the first few days of our “vacation” biking around the lake, picnicking at the beach, swimming, berry picking and catching up in general as it had been over a year since our last visit. After the jet lag subsided and oblivious to the shit-storm that awaited us, we headed to Stanley for Grammy and Grandfathers 60^th wedding anniversary party. Congratulations on a lifetime of love!! It is truly something wonderful to live a life like yours so long together. Such an inspiration! :D

Sadly after only a day in our beloved Rocky Mountains, we received word of Neil’s passing and were forced to drive to Hailey, Idaho to meet with officials and investigators of the crash. It thought the screaming in my head would never silence, but upon returning to McCall things were…quiet. For 3 whole days Patrick and I spent our time helping Mom take care of business, hitting up the yoga studio and going for long runs in Ponderosa Park. Nothing seemed real, yet there was a deepness that surrounded us. The stillness before the storm caught us up for a few brief days. It was as if demon was lurking just behind a thick curtain, which you knew would open swiftly open at any minute.

The memorial date was set, all the necessary phone calls made and the obituary written. Let me briefly pause to say the English language, or any language to my knowledge, contains no words to describe what it’s like to write the obituary of a little brother. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Our doorbell became a never-ending symphony as friends and neighbors brought food, flowers, cards, hugs and love. The support was overwhelming and I was reminded how special small town America can be. Thank you to everyone who fed us and consoled us those tough days. Special thanks to Vivian for organizing a dinner schedule and making sure we had everything we needed and just being your special self with us J Thank you, thank you, thank you. We would not have kept it together without everyone’s efforts.

The second week of “vacation” began with a trip to Moab to collect Neil’s things. It was there in his tiny trailer in Moab, where the reality of what had happened was inescapable. I was no longer just away and out of touch, and I was faced with the realization that here, in this very spot, was the last place he could be “hiding”. There would be no more phone calls or disagreements or hugs and no more new memories and I cried a lot for that. On the other hand, I was so pleased to see where he lived and worked and meet his neighbors and coworkers and sweet girlfriend, Megan. It made me so proud that he was loved by so many and surrounded by such good people of all ages and so diverse in his last days! What a twisted treat!

To celebrate my birthday on the 11^th Mom, Patrick and I hiked the Fiery Furnace in Canyonlands National Park. This was a place both Mom and Neil had mentioned many times and I can see why. There are no trails and views were absolutely remarkable. No wonder Moab is an outdoorsmen’s mecca. I found Neil everywhere there. He was in the rocks, the blazing sun, the vibrant red waterless creek beds, the dried tangled trees still teeming with life and in the rain. He was especially in the rain. His presence surrounded and consoled our every step. It was wonderful and I would have stayed forever if possible. But life goes on quicker than we usually like, and the following day we packed up Neil’s truck and trailer and returned home.

Things became very busy around the house and we prepared for the upcoming memorial, but of course we managed to squeeze in some time for summer fun. Vivian was kind enough to let us all take her kayaks out around the lake for an afternoon, Patrick and I made it out for a few more beautiful bike rides including a trip to Ponderosa Point and I even made a large batch of jam, all of which helped to lift our spirits immensely!

By the time the memorial date arrived our entire family had pulled into town and our house was bustling constantly with people. So many people to thank! Thanks Kelly, Jenny and Mike for your amazing job with catering and flowers. Thank you Matt, Zane, Levi, Hunter, Adrian and all Neil’s other outstanding friends who helped set everything up AND THEN take everything down the next day, I know it could not have been an easy task, physically or emotionally! Thanks John and David for relentlessly trying to control the vicious bees, and to Laura Lee for being there day in and day out. Thanks to the Red Tail crew who came all the way from Utah to join us, and especially thanks to all our loved ones on the Foster and MacNichol sides who came to remind us that we still have a large family who holds us very dear, and thank you Gerben for continuing to humor me a thousand miles away. I am so very glad to have you all in my life!

The memorial was exhausting but left me inspired. I heard so many stories of Neil and was connected to so many great people I hadn’t seen in far too long. I learned so much about Neil that I never knew and it made me swell with pride to be his sissy. Around 300 people came and I think I must have talked to every single one of them judging by how sore my throat was when I got in bed that night. Isn’t it odd how such a sad event brings about so much joy? Life is funny that way I suppose…

Post-memorial Sunday was consumed by packing for my return trip to Europe and a much-needed last farewell dinner with family. The following Monday, Mom headed off to a speaking event in Oshkosh and Patrick drove me to the Boise airport, and life continued. Things are different than before, but here we are still chugging along. Amazing. Scary. But amazing.

Speaking of airports, I want send a very personal thanks to Patrick. Mr. P, had it not been for you these would have been very dark days indeed. You stayed by my side every moment. You let me cry on your nice dress shirts and read me The Little Prince until I fell asleep at night. You drove, carried boxes, ran errands, offered advice, took pictures, answered awkward questions and helped Mom and I in everyway possible. You knew when to tell jokes and when to be silent and most importantly you took time to listen to all our Neil memories, happy and sad. You are really something Sir. I am lucky and honored to have a friend in you, something I will not soon forget. Thank you :)

As I head back to Holland, Gerben and my Charlie Brown, I feel so many emotions I cannot name them all here. What I do know, is that grief is a long road and with countless obstacles along the way, but that it does lead somewhere. We will never forget our Spud, but of course we all must continue to take joy and light into our days. This is how it is. I am as thankful for my time with Neil as I am angry to lose him, but I am interested in where this path will take me. Maybe that is a silly thought, but even sillier is to believe the end of his life will have no effect on the way I continue mine. As my feelings battle for inner dominance I realize will just have to wait it out as patiently and violently as possible. So I shall.

Love and miss you all. xoxo